Jokes

2008-10-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

F##k Your Mom - 9 min

2008-10-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Baby Laughing

2008-10-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

Bill O'Reilly - Loses it on Barney Frank

6 min

2008-10-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

INTERNET DATING -

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN

ADORABLE Wetter than Pamela Anderson's swimming costume. She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives.
CURVY Fat. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe's softly sensuous body. This girl is more pint glass than hourglass.
VOLUPTUOUS Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her.
BUBBLY Fat AND annoying. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects.
His ad says he's attractive, sporty and 5ft 10in. That means he's ugly, 5ft 3in and plays snooker
CUDDLY Morbidly obese. A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility.
BBW Stands for 'big, beautiful woman'. Well, two out of three's not bad. She's certainly big and female. But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful.
SIZE 10 In Uzbekistan. On the UK High Street it's a completely different story.
FIERY Psychotic. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts.
VIVACIOUS Aggressive. An opinionated finger-jabber. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat.
GREAT PERSONALITY Ugly as sin. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag.
ARTISTIC Drama Queen. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences.
ATHLETIC AND TONED Flat chested and shapeless. A sexless, lumpless and bumpless Tomboy.
AGE 34 Age 43. There's more chance of winning the Lottery on a double rollover week than there is of being a woman over 35 and getting a date on the internet. It doesn't matter if the guy is 60, he'll still confine his searches to '35 and under', so any woman's age should be taken as a ball park figure.
PLAYFUL Hussy. Working her way through the internet site and it's your turn.
GIRLY Thick. Shallower than a mouse's foot bath. High School Musical is her idea of high brow. She can tell you the name of every character in TV teen drama Gossip Girl, but has no idea who the Prime Minister is.
LIVES LIFE TO THE FULL Alcoholic. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Happy Hour is her favourite time of day.
I'M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don't get married I'll be deported.
CHALLENGING High-maintenance pain in the neck.
HOMELY Frump. You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige. Brace yourself for a world of cup-a-soups and novelty toilet roll holders.
LOYAL Stalker. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you even meet. Her brain cannot process the words: 'I don't think you're quite right for me.'
LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE Gold digger. Looking for a new wardrobe, jewellery and a few weekends away before she dumps you for a 25-year-old Adonis.
HONEST No social skills. The censorship button in her brain doesn't work. Says whatever comes into her head.
SENSITIVE Cry baby. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces.

2008-09-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

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George Bush Bloops - 3 min

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2008-09-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

Marijuana Cures Skin Bacteria - 3 min Youtube video

2008-09-08T02:47:00.000-07:00

Help a Bald Man Out

Larry David - 2 min video

2008-08-19T06:27:00.001-07:00

Why men get married, summarised ...

2008-07-31T22:01:00.001-07:00

When the Wife Doesn't Listen

video - 2 min

2008-07-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

The Paternity Test - video - 1 min

2008-04-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

A man is in a queue at Tescos and sees this busty blonde staring at him. He can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes. I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, 'F#cking hell ,are you the bird I sh#gged on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar#e?'
'No,' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

(LOL! It took me ages to work this one out. I'm getting too old.)

2008-04-10T11:06:00.001-07:00

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bedwas nicely made, and everything was picked up from the floor.Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. 'Dear,Dad," the letter said. "It is with great regret and sorrow that I'mwriting to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wantedto avoid a scene. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she isso nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all herpiercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is somuch older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She'spregnant. Stacy says that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer inthe woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share adream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the factthat marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it forourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for allthe cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray thatscience will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your manygrandchildren.
Love, your son,
Joshua
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I justwanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the schoolreport that's on the kitchen table.

2008-04-03T19:40:00.000-07:00

Boy Aged 9 Breaks Record For Spoons-On-Face

Thus proving once and for all that boys are cleverer than girls.

2008-03-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

Evolution of British maths teaching
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6 Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو

الربح له؟

2008-03-18T07:29:00.001-07:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decidedto hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearbywell-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' The blonde quickly responded, 'How about £50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?' He responded,'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the husband asked.'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

2008-03-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

The Shroud of Turin, an ancient linen cloth believed to bear the image of Christ and considered by many clerics and devotees to be one of the holiest relics of the Christian faith, was inadvertently dyed a light shade of pink after being washed with a red T-shirt, sources reported Tuesday.

2008-03-11T12:31:00.001-07:00

Correct!

2008-03-10T21:59:00.001-07:00

A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me inthis country , giving me housing, Social services, free medical care, and free education!' The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani.'
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in UK !' The person says, 'I not Englishman, I Afghan.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank youfor the wonderful UK!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Romania , I am not Englishman!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an English Lady?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English people?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'They're still at work. They won't be let out until six o'clock.'

2008-03-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

Who loves you more - your wife or your dog?

To find out, try this test.

Lock your wife and your dog inside the trunk of your car.

After an hour or so, let them out, and see which of those two bitches is the more pleased to see you.

Moses Was High On The Mount

2008-03-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

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Moses Was High On The Mount

When Moses received the Ten Commandments from God, he was summoned right to the top of Mount Sinai.

But the man who led the Children of Israel to safety may have been even higher at the time, if an Israeli academic is to be believed. Psychology professor Benny Shanon says it was likely Moses was hallucinating under the influence of a mind-altering drug at the time of his biblical achievements.

I knew that dude was high on something when he spaketh thusly.

Yep. Something very good!

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2008-03-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

McCartney's Share of the Divorce Settlement

2008-03-01T05:20:00.001-08:00

Police Chief is 'greedy, vain moron'

A chief constable has told his staff to monitor online encyclopedia Wikipedia - to stop its users posting rude comments about him.

Sir Norman Bettison took exception to being described as a "greedy, vain moron" on the online encyclopaedia, according to Police Review magazine.

2008-02-11T18:27:00.000-08:00

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Why ex-husband is holding his breath.

2008-02-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

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Squirrel Soccer - video - 30 sec

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2008-02-05T01:14:00.000-08:00

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the study. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

"Ralph, for the 5th F*ing' time - it's CHICKEN!"

2008-02-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

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If A Woman Were President - video - 2 min

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2008-01-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

2008-01-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not to me, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister."

-------------------------------

One of the fascinating parts about men is our tendency to subject ourselves to war, physical abuse, and psychological abuse and call it "power." The ability to be totally out of control while continuing to view ourselves as the ones with the power can have certain advantages to a woman. As expressed in this poem:

One-Night Stand

He bought me drinks all evening
in response to just a wink
Then accepted my invitation to
repair my kitchen sink
Then I brought him into beddy-bye
to get a little sex
Then couldn't help but smile
when he called it conquest!

...

Thanks to Walter at FathersForLife ...

2007-12-28T16:47:00.000-08:00

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"Man Cold" - YouTube Video - 1 min

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2007-12-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

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Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

McGowan said. "If you want to enjoy equal rights, you have to have a real man-to-man chat with the people in charge until you can hammer out some more equitable custody laws."
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2007-11-30T21:02:00.000-08:00

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The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of pink, lime, green, or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Playstation 3. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

* "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

I hope this clears up any confusion,

2007-10-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

2007-10-19T03:29:00.001-07:00

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets fromeach other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness."Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

2007-10-09T12:57:00.000-07:00

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Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that kids can use in real-world situations! It's about time!

1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round mag. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon hit before he reloads?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. What be the street value of the rest of his s&#*?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to get the 20% upside?

5. Desmond gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $9000?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3-8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and the cost be $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

2007-10-03T07:44:00.001-07:00

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

2007-09-20T03:42:00.001-07:00

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We barely know each other, and you come to me with this—well, there's no other word for it—generous offer. $33 for more than 200 channels, plus free Showtime for one year? What have I done to deserve such an enormous gesture of magnanimity?

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2007-09-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

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Let's Pamper The Terrorists

Take Osama bin Laden, for example. He's still a sworn foe of mine, but trying to smoke him out of his hole hasn't been working too well. We can't seem to find this guy through violence and intimidation, so let's send him a fruit basket instead.
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2007-09-06T03:08:00.001-07:00

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An alarming new study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health reveals that casual sex, the practice of engaging in frequent, spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners, may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for, at most, 25 to 30 years.

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Bill Maher On Feminism

2007-08-01T15:40:00.000-07:00

Bill Maher On Feminism - 8 min YouTube Video - Brilliant

2007-08-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

As living embodiments of unrealistic male fantasies, p0rn stars, experts say, possess extraordinarily high libidos that cannot be satisfied by anything less than full-throttle, no-holes-barred banging. (bad language)

2007-08-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

To hell with Howard Stern—George W. Bush is the real king of all media! Television, radio, print, the Internet—hell, he's even made a splash on the silver screen.

2007-07-29T13:58:00.001-07:00

First Class Galapagos Tours

OK, I was in Quito and planning to pass a week on horseback in remote mountains where trees still outnumber tour buses and there ain’t nobody. Humanity is at its best when it’s somewhere else. Then my plans fell through for boring reasons. Everything else I wanted to do was booked. I figured it was either suicide or spend the week drunk in some hotel. Then I saw a sign in a travel agency’s window: “First Class Galapagos Tours.” Fred Reed

2007-07-27T18:00:00.001-07:00

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And on the 55th day, God sent a flood to destroy all of Britainkind. And Oxfordshire sank. Charlie Brooker

2007-07-27T10:16:00.001-07:00

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A policeman stops a woman who had been speeding and the following conversation ensues:
P: Can I see your license please?
W: I don't have one, it's been taken last time I was driving drunk
P: Can I see the car papers then?
W: Don't have any, I stole this car, but let me just look in the glove compartment under my pistol...
P: You stole this car and have a pistol in the glove compartment?
W: Yes, I put it in there after I shot the driver of this car and put her body in the boot.
P: You have a body in the boot?
W: Yes.
After hearing this, the policeman calls for backup and as these arrive a superior officer approaches the woman in the car, asking again:
SO: Can I see your licence?
W: Yes, of course here it is.
SO: Whose car is this?
W: Mine, here are the papers.
After checking the glove compartment and boot and not finding anything he says to her:
"This is strange, my colleague who first stopped you said you had no licence, stole the car, had a pistol in the glove compartment and a body in your boot"
To which the woman replied:" oh dear and I bet he also told you I was speeding..."
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2007-07-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

Some dreadful jokes ...

>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
>I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
>
>This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
>was a turtle disaster.
>
>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
>I said, "No, permanent."
>
>I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
>"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>
>I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
>a Volkswagen with no driver.
>
>Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
>went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
>
>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
>
>I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
>"No, just a watch."
>
>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
>bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
>
>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>
>I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
>said, "You've got cholera."
>
>I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
>name, it's P something T something R.
>
>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
>
>I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
>went on and on.
>
>The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
>I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
>said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
>this is for the custard."

2007-07-13T17:14:00.000-07:00

.
Let there be light!

2007-07-12T01:15:00.000-07:00

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A few guys at the gym had great things to say about the Glory Hole, but as soon as I told them I was taking my wife and kids, they didn't want to talk about it anymore.

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2007-07-12T01:08:00.000-07:00

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According to a report released Monday by Boston University's School of Lifestyle Management, more than 180 trillion leisure hours were lost to work in 2004.

2007-06-28T06:45:00.000-07:00

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Three semesters after adopting the sexual identity, Amanda Oppel, a junior women's-studies major at Oberlin College, abruptly dropped her highly politicized lesbian stance Monday.

"I just need to focus on different priorities right now," said Oppel, 20. "I'm graduating next year, and my dad's not going to foot the bill forever." She also alluded to "maybe going back east to get an MBA."
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2007-06-26T16:37:00.000-07:00

Subject: An Italian Boy's Confession
* "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
**The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
**"Yes, Father, it is."
**"And who was the woman you were with?"
**"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
**"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
**Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say.
**"Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell.
"**"Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
**"Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed."
**"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
**"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
**The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
**Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads!"

2007-06-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

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A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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2007-05-24T18:50:00.000-07:00

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Seems like whenever I'm in the same room with a sexy young nutcase looking for some hot dysfunctional action, we lock eyes and I gaze right into the twisted, abnormal recesses of her psyche, and then—bam! (Click)

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2007-05-24T18:46:00.001-07:00

Have we as a society really come to the point where it is a crime for a man in a ski mask and black coveralls to place a simple ladder against the side of a building and climb his way to a vantage point from which the glorious beauty of the nude vagina can be gazed upon with the rapt wonderment it deserves? (Click)

2007-05-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman
who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took
out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the
vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called
her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.

(LOL! It took me ages to figure out the joke.)

2007-05-13T09:12:00.001-07:00

2007-05-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

2007-05-12T13:19:00.001-07:00

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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." ! At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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2007-05-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

2007-05-12T13:06:00.001-07:00

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

How to put real fear into an annoying passenger

2007-05-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

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If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train....

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open this message.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link: Clicky

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Prank Call To Asda

2007-05-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

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Prank Call To Asda - YouTube video - 2 min

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Brilliant New Exercise Tip For Men

2007-04-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

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Just came across this brilliant exercise suggested for the over 30's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. Do read to the end for the full program.
It seems so easy so I thought that I'd pass it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then 25kg potato bag and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).
3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the bags.

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2007-04-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

How To Reduce Stress

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world"!

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.

Don't you feel less stressful now?

2007-04-25T11:57:00.002-07:00

Subject: Alcohol Warnings
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Indubitably * Preliminary * Proliferation
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Specificity * Antidisestablishmentarianism * Loquacious * Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex * Nope, no more booze for me * Sorry, but you're not really my type * Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
NEW Alcohol Warnings:
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns. On the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING:
The crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tink you can tipe reel gude.

2007-04-25T11:57:00.001-07:00

For those of you who watch what you eat...
Here's the Final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.

2007-04-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed, Honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"

2007-04-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation."There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike"

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too."

2007-04-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

((((RING)))) (((RING)))
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
Brief Pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my Goodness!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. His head hit the bottom of the pool and he is not moving at all."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"

2007-04-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

All my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Selective Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective.Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

2007-04-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

Steven Wright ...
1- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feels so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

2007-04-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

Peter Kay's Universal Truths ...

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when yourpint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares to make Cup-a-Soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your teacher Mum or Dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

2007-04-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

2007-04-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "*** ! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US A! ir 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" ***