First Class Galapagos Tours

OK, I was in Quito and planning to pass a week on horseback in remote mountains where trees still outnumber tour buses and there ain’t nobody. Humanity is at its best when it’s somewhere else. Then my plans fell through for boring reasons. Everything else I wanted to do was booked. I figured it was either suicide or spend the week drunk in some hotel. Then I saw a sign in a travel agency’s window: “First Class Galapagos Tours.” Fred Reed

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And on the 55th day, God sent a flood to destroy all of Britainkind. And Oxfordshire sank. Charlie Brooker

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A policeman stops a woman who had been speeding and the following conversation ensues:
P: Can I see your license please?
W: I don't have one, it's been taken last time I was driving drunk
P: Can I see the car papers then?
W: Don't have any, I stole this car, but let me just look in the glove compartment under my pistol...
P: You stole this car and have a pistol in the glove compartment?
W: Yes, I put it in there after I shot the driver of this car and put her body in the boot.
P: You have a body in the boot?
W: Yes.
After hearing this, the policeman calls for backup and as these arrive a superior officer approaches the woman in the car, asking again:
SO: Can I see your licence?
W: Yes, of course here it is.
SO: Whose car is this?
W: Mine, here are the papers.
After checking the glove compartment and boot and not finding anything he says to her:
"This is strange, my colleague who first stopped you said you had no licence, stole the car, had a pistol in the glove compartment and a body in your boot"
To which the woman replied:" oh dear and I bet he also told you I was speeding..."
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Some dreadful jokes ...

>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
>I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
>
>This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
>was a turtle disaster.
>
>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
>I said, "No, permanent."
>
>I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
>"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>
>I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
>a Volkswagen with no driver.
>
>Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
>went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
>
>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
>
>I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
>"No, just a watch."
>
>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
>bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
>
>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>
>I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
>said, "You've got cholera."
>
>I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
>name, it's P something T something R.
>
>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
>
>I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
>went on and on.
>
>The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
>I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
>said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
>this is for the custard."

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Let there be light!

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According to a report released Monday by Boston University's School of Lifestyle Management, more than 180 trillion leisure hours were lost to work in 2004.