Some dreadful jokes ...

>I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
>I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
>
>This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
>was a turtle disaster.
>
>I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
>I said, "No, permanent."
>
>I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
>"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>
>I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
>a Volkswagen with no driver.
>
>Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
>went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
>
>I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
>
>I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
>"No, just a watch."
>
>I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
>bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
>
>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>
>I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
>said, "You've got cholera."
>
>I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
>name, it's P something T something R.
>
>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
>
>I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
>went on and on.
>
>The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
>I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
>said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No,
>this is for the custard."