F##k Your Mom - 9 min

Baby Laughing

Bill O'Reilly - Loses it on Barney Frank

6 min

INTERNET DATING -

WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN

ADORABLE Wetter than Pamela Anderson's swimming costume. She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives.
CURVY Fat. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe's softly sensuous body. This girl is more pint glass than hourglass.
VOLUPTUOUS Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her.
BUBBLY Fat AND annoying. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects.
His ad says he's attractive, sporty and 5ft 10in. That means he's ugly, 5ft 3in and plays snooker
CUDDLY Morbidly obese. A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility.
BBW Stands for 'big, beautiful woman'. Well, two out of three's not bad. She's certainly big and female. But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful.
SIZE 10 In Uzbekistan. On the UK High Street it's a completely different story.
FIERY Psychotic. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts.
VIVACIOUS Aggressive. An opinionated finger-jabber. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat.
GREAT PERSONALITY Ugly as sin. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag.
ARTISTIC Drama Queen. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences.
ATHLETIC AND TONED Flat chested and shapeless. A sexless, lumpless and bumpless Tomboy.
AGE 34 Age 43. There's more chance of winning the Lottery on a double rollover week than there is of being a woman over 35 and getting a date on the internet. It doesn't matter if the guy is 60, he'll still confine his searches to '35 and under', so any woman's age should be taken as a ball park figure.
PLAYFUL Hussy. Working her way through the internet site and it's your turn.
GIRLY Thick. Shallower than a mouse's foot bath. High School Musical is her idea of high brow. She can tell you the name of every character in TV teen drama Gossip Girl, but has no idea who the Prime Minister is.
LIVES LIFE TO THE FULL Alcoholic. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Happy Hour is her favourite time of day.
I'M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don't get married I'll be deported.
CHALLENGING High-maintenance pain in the neck.
HOMELY Frump. You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige. Brace yourself for a world of cup-a-soups and novelty toilet roll holders.
LOYAL Stalker. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you even meet. Her brain cannot process the words: 'I don't think you're quite right for me.'
LIKES THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE Gold digger. Looking for a new wardrobe, jewellery and a few weekends away before she dumps you for a 25-year-old Adonis.
HONEST No social skills. The censorship button in her brain doesn't work. Says whatever comes into her head.
SENSITIVE Cry baby. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces.

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George Bush Bloops - 3 min



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Marijuana Cures Skin Bacteria - 3 min Youtube video

Help a Bald Man Out

Larry David - 2 min video

Why men get married, summarised ...

When the Wife Doesn't Listen

video - 2 min

The Paternity Test - video - 1 min

A man is in a queue at Tescos and sees this busty blonde staring at him. He can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes. I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, 'F#cking hell ,are you the bird I sh#gged on my stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar#e?'
'No,' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

(LOL! It took me ages to work this one out. I'm getting too old.)

A father, passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bedwas nicely made, and everything was picked up from the floor.Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. 'Dear,Dad," the letter said. "It is with great regret and sorrow that I'mwriting to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wantedto avoid a scene. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she isso nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all herpiercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is somuch older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She'spregnant. Stacy says that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer inthe woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share adream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the factthat marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it forourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for allthe cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray thatscience will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday,I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your manygrandchildren.
Love, your son,
Joshua
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I justwanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the schoolreport that's on the kitchen table.

Boy Aged 9 Breaks Record For Spoons-On-Face

Thus proving once and for all that boys are cleverer than girls.

Evolution of British maths teaching
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6 Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو

الربح له؟

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decidedto hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearbywell-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' The blonde quickly responded, 'How about £50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?' He responded,'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the husband asked.'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

The Shroud of Turin, an ancient linen cloth believed to bear the image of Christ and considered by many clerics and devotees to be one of the holiest relics of the Christian faith, was inadvertently dyed a light shade of pink after being washed with a red T-shirt, sources reported Tuesday.

Correct!

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A Somalian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the UK.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me inthis country , giving me housing, Social services, free medical care, and free education!' The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani.'
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in UK !' The person says, 'I not Englishman, I Afghan.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank youfor the wonderful UK!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Romania , I am not Englishman!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an English Lady?' She says , 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English people?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'They're still at work. They won't be let out until six o'clock.'

Who loves you more - your wife or your dog?

To find out, try this test.

Lock your wife and your dog inside the trunk of your car.

After an hour or so, let them out, and see which of those two bitches is the more pleased to see you.

Moses Was High On The Mount

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Moses Was High On The Mount

When Moses received the Ten Commandments from God, he was summoned right to the top of Mount Sinai.

But the man who led the Children of Israel to safety may have been even higher at the time, if an Israeli academic is to be believed. Psychology professor Benny Shanon says it was likely Moses was hallucinating under the influence of a mind-altering drug at the time of his biblical achievements.

I knew that dude was high on something when he spaketh thusly. 

Yep. Something very good!



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McCartney's Share of the Divorce Settlement

Police Chief is 'greedy, vain moron'

A chief constable has told his staff to monitor online encyclopedia Wikipedia - to stop its users posting rude comments about him.

Sir Norman Bettison took exception to being described as a "greedy, vain moron" on the online encyclopaedia, according to Police Review magazine.

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Why ex-husband is holding his breath.

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Squirrel Soccer - video - 30 sec

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A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her,
he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the study. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

"Ralph, for the 5th F*ing' time - it's CHICKEN!"

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If A Woman Were President - video - 2 min

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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough to drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not to me, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister."


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One of the fascinating parts about men is our tendency to subject ourselves to war, physical abuse, and psychological abuse and call it "power." The ability to be totally out of control while continuing to view ourselves as the ones with the power can have certain advantages to a woman. As expressed in this poem:

One-Night Stand

He bought me drinks all evening
in response to just a wink
Then accepted my invitation to
repair my kitchen sink
Then I brought him into beddy-bye
to get a little sex
Then couldn't help but smile
when he called it conquest!

...

Thanks to Walter at FathersForLife ...